Don’t Try To Change People – Tips To Change People Naturally

It’s human to find fault. However, we hinder our own growth when we are quick in our criticism. Positive strokes guarantee positive results.

“ Relationships often come to a standstill, comment Mark Goulston, M.D and Philip Goldberg in their book, “ Get Out of your Own Way, “ because both parties feel it is time for a change but each one thinks the other should do the changing. While they try to force the change, or wait for it to come about, they refuse to fully accept the other person. This is self- defeating because it usually provokes resistance, or even rebellion, not cooperation. Not only does one change, but the relationship gets contaminated with resentment and bitterness. Rather than not accepting the other person until he changes. Accept him as is and hope he changes.”

Goulston and Goldberg feel that to avoid pain, the best strategy is to accept the first and hope for change later. This does not mean you should keep quite about your concerns. But it might mean conveying more accepting attitude like: “I love you, but this bothers me, and I hope very much that it can change.” This will generate more response, rather than saying, “You’d better change or else..” if you expect people change, you can drive yourself crazy waiting for it to happen. If you try to make them change, you will drive them crazy. But if you accept them as they are and tell them that you hope they’ll change, they might just do it.”

To avoid frustration in expecting a person or partner to change, Goulston and Goldberg offer the following tips:
  • Next time you’re frustrated with a person in your life, pause and ask yourself, “If he never changes, will that be okay? Will I be able to continue loving him anyway?” If the answer is yes, you should be able to change your expectations and still feel good about the relationship.
  • Instead of feeling like a helpless victim, make an active, conscious choice to let him be who he is.
  • List the person’s good qualities and bad qualities.
  • Choose to convert your need to change the bad qualities to the hope that he will change. Your well-being should not depend on another person changing.
  • Take pride in knowing you have chosen to be gracious rather than bitter. “If you choose to tell the person that you hope he changes, offer a trade-off by asking, “Is there anything about me that you hope I change?” By levelling the playing field, you give him greater incentive to make the effort.